It's OK to not be OK

Let’s face it - at the beginning of the lockdown, a lot of us had great plans. To do a deep clean of the house, to finally start that new project, to finish all the projects we’ve started already, to pick up a new hobby, to learn something new, to do at least 5 courses that would help with personal development.

And it worked for a while - I was extremely productive at work, starting half an hour earlier than I was supposed to and finishing at least an hour later. And I didn’t mind. It was my choice and I loved it. I love working from home - I actually negotiated this into my contract at the beginning of March (yeah, I know). I love being on my own, I love working from home, I love having limited interaction with people.

So I thought I was going to thrive in this “new normal”.

But slowly, I noticed that things weren’t as great as I thought they were. I started taking too long to finish projects - a landing page usually takes me 6 hours to code, and now I’ve just finished one, after spending about 20 hours on it. I was going to focus on SEO as part of my new work and job title, but I couldn’t really focus properly. I started the Blue Array “SEO Manager Certification” course on the 10th of April and I’m at 43% completion on the 25th of May. I was also going to do the SEMrush Academy courses, but I haven’t even started them. I was also going to read the “Mastering in-house SEO” book in one sitting - I think I’ve read the testimonials of 4 or 5 people. I usually live on Twitter, where I learn about SEO. Now I’m only scrolling aimlessly.

In the past two weeks, I’ve had a nagging voice in my head telling me I’m not good enough, that I don’t know anything, and that I should give up. And it won for about two weeks, but now I’m getting better and more in control - my manager recommended I go outside at least every morning in order to create some kind of routine (instead of rolling out of bed and turning on my laptop 1 min before my work start time). So I’m grateful for that advice, even though confessing my fears was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I’m always fearful that people will see me as incompetent, broken, in need of help. Which, I now realise, is a skill. It’s a skill to ask for help when you feel overwhelmed, whether it is a relaxing chatting session with a friend or a helping hand from one of your colleagues.

To everyone I’ve let down these past weeks, I’m sorry. To those who are understanding even when my work output is subpar, I’m grateful.